If someone were to ask me, “what does a heart that is breaking look like?” I would say it looks like this: a flower, in God’s garden that is moved by a change in its natural color and form. It is not always a flower. Sometimes it’s a weed, like this dandelion above. But, it is always changing, never the same and forever dying in time.
Why do I mention this, you may wonder. Well, because I think I am dying of a broken heart, one heartbeat at a time. I don’t have a firm explanation, other than sometimes, I feel an intense, dull pain during one heartbeat, right in the middle of my chest. I woke up this morning to one. And, just as I was typing this paragraph, I felt it again. I honestly do not know why I’m talking about this here, other than the fact that there are only four or five people who even know about this page. And, if I were to guess, I don’t think anyone ever visits here.
Something happened to me in late November of 2021, that I think has changed me forever. I cannot talk about it. It’s a part of me now, and it’s shame-filled. But, It’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life, however long that may be. And, yes, it has to do with my spiritual life. It’s a cross God has given me, and though I’m not sure how well I am carrying that cross, it’s with me all the same. It is with me now, forever.
Some may think I am a pitiful fool, who is — out of desperation — just feeling sorry for myself. And, yes, that may be true. I’ve known heartbreak in my life and I have broken free of the pain before. But, this. This is different. This is part of my makeup. This is not part of my past. This is my present and my future. This is my punishment for the sins of my fathers and myself. I feel it in my bone marrow. I feel it in my brain and all the way down to the tips of my toes.
As an aside, my spiritual director is sick with Covid, and I am worried. It hurts my soul all the more. I pray for him, but I know that only God can be at his side. Please Heavenly Father, take due care of him. He is precious in your eyes. Please keep him in the living garden of your love. AMEN!
For now, this blog entry is supposed to be about me. But, I die inside with all that the world is coming to. I die to self. I die to others and I die for love of God. I do not know how long I will be on this earth, but please know this. I am dying, one heartbeat at a time.
And there is more. I do not recall the last time I cried at home. I always seem to cry while in the presence of the Eucharist, at church, but never at home. When I was separated, from 2008 through 2011, I cried all the way home from work — a 117 mile trek — for a year. But, I always stopped crying when I was home. So, this is different. This is something new. This is not normal for me. Something deeper is happening to my soul.
There is no hope for revival when the color turns to black. There is only despair. Wow, this blog entry sounds sooo gloomy. May the Lord grant that his light may one day fill the darkness that is my soul.
Blessings…