The Dark Night…

About a month ago, I had a short email conversation with the “Science of Sainthood” creator, Matthew Leonard, concerning a video he had recently posted for his “Next Level Catholic Academy.”

I have been studying the Carmelite priest, Saint John of the Cross, for about a year and a half, under the direction of my Spiritual Director. And, I was anxious to hear what Matthew would have to say about the famous “Dark Night of the Soul,” an essential part of the spiritual journey introduced in a book by the same name, by St. John of the Cross, in the 1𝟔𝐭𝐡 century.

(As a matter of reference, I should note that there are three stages in the life of the spirit — the purgative, the illuminative and the unitive ways. The unitive way is the last stage of spiritual prayer, or spiritual life, if you will).

Matthew finally posted his first video lesson on the “Dark Night,” in June. And, he called it, “Preparing for the Dark Night.” After watching the video, I wrote to him and said it “made me cry.” He wrote back, asking if it was “in a good way, I hope.”

Yes, it was a good cry, I wrote, in my return email. Here was (part of) my reply.

My Email — June 23, 2020

“Mostly, I cried because I can relate to the process of the science of sainthood. But, there is more. I cried because (while I’m not proposing that I am anywhere near the unitive way) I have already experienced the “pain,” as you discussed — my soul has been pressing down hard on my body. Also, I have been purged of most of my true senses, or “corrected” — as St. John says — of most of my hearing, smell and taste in the literal sense of the word. I’m pretty sure it’s part of my purification. But, that’s just my personal conclusion.  I had been asking God to “teach me how to listen.” As you know, when we ask God to do something, he always answers our prayers if it is in accordance with His will. Well, I think my prayers were answered in this way, so I could “listen” to him more clearly .  Wasn’t it you who said that we don’t always experience the three stages in perfect order???”

The night after I watched Matthew’s video, “Preparing for the Dark Night,” I dreamed that part of my soul left me, or separated from me. It was a strange dream. It was me and two other women. The second women walked away with the third woman. And, I was very sad to see her go. The one who walked off, the second woman, represented the passionate part of my soul — or rather, “the downstairs part,” — the part that is susceptible to sin. I may be wrong, but it could be that the third woman represented “the enemy,” the evil part, or “the dark side.”

Seeing my sinfulness…

In a recent meeting with my spiritual director, I learned that the act of sin does not necessarily stem from evil, but from our “brokenness.” I couldn’t grasp that for a long time. I thought “sinfulness” meant only the offenses we make against our creator — unil I asked God, in contemplative prayer, to show me my sinfulness. And, as I prayed in a more conscious setting, I saw pieces of my sinfulness in full detail. I saw sins I committed as a young adult, a “tween.” I saw sins I committed as an adult, sins that I never confessed, sins that were long forgotten, swept away into the netherworld.

Placing the pieces…

My psyche pulled out those pieces of my past that I had stuffed back into the crevices of my mind many years ago. God brought it all into the light. He was giving me all that I asked for. He was showing me to my sinfulness and my sinfulness to me. I had asked for this because I believed it to be one of the roadblocks to my spiritual growth. I confessed my sins tonight, and my confessor asked me how I felt after. I didn’t know. I didn’t have a notion at the time. But, as the night wore on, I felt a loosening of the knotted roots of sin. I felt an easing of pressure. I felt cleansed. If now, I can see who I really am, who I was without any blinders on, perhaps I can one day cross that bridge to the next shoreline. 

Fitting the pieces together…

Here lies the spirit and soul of the dead, the (I) who used to belong to this world, the downstairs part of my soul. Maybe she (the part of my soul who belonged to the enemy, the evil one) saw this coming. I don’t know. If my psyche can pull out those broken pieces long enough for me to acknowledge and confess, and albeit, remove; then, maybe there’s hope for me yet. And, if my psyche can also remove those broken pieces fast enough to save my soul — after all, we are all here for a finite measure of time — perhaps one day, I will truly “die to self.” Only time will tell. 

Luke: 9, 24: “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” Also, Mark: 8, 35.

I believe most people think the passage (above) refer𝐒 to the death of the body. But, I believe it refers more to the death of the evil part of the soul. 

“So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.” 2 Cor: 5,17. And this. 

And now, it’s time to sign off. And so, I say, “𝐀𝐧𝐝 with your spirit.” Amen.