Sometimes, an unimaginable and painful sorrow grips my heart. And, I don’t know why or where it originates. Something tells me it’s a spiritual thing and not an emotional force. But, I can’t be sure.
It happened today, on the drive home from church. I was looking for my Lord, and suddenly, it occurred to me that I was in an abyss of emptiness. It’s ironic though because this afternoon, on my way out of town, I came to strange realization.
HERE’S HOW IT WENT…
Late in 2018, I went on a nationwide search to find out when, and where my baptism took place. (You can find all those blog entries at smarieack.livejournal.com). In order to discover my baptismal information, which seemed to be a wash at first, I had to locate my First Communion and/or Confirmation certificates, so I ended up finding all three. Regardless, I discovered that I was baptized on April 19, at the age of two months.
My brain likes to put things in neat little ordered compartments in my head, so I looked ahead and pulled up the date, April 19, 2019, only to discover that it would fall on Good Friday. I also looked ahead to 2020 and discovered that it will fall on Divine Mercy Sunday this year.
It was a nice surprise for me, but also kind of ironic, since I was studying the Divine Mercy in late 2018. I was consecrated to the Divine Mercy on December 8, 2018.
HERE’S TO WINDING FORWARD TO TODAY…
On my way to Gainesville this morning, it occurred to me that 2019 was my year of Passion. I walked with Christ on His way to the Cross, beginning on May 20th. I mean, I felt it in the strongest sense of the word. It was a difficult journey, one that almost led me astray. I felt a full death-to-self at many times along this path. But, I also felt closer to Jesus than ever in my entire life. In essence, I’m still in my year of Passion. But, Divine Mercy Sunday this year will begin my new year, though I’m still in the dark about what that will be.
Even though I do not know what grips my soul in such deep almost despairing sadness, I do know that whatever it is, has something to do with my year of Passion.
On Sunday, I looked up at the cloudless sky and switched on the YouTube channel to search for the song, “Seek the Lord” while he may be found. I just stood there, looking up at the sky, listening to the words of this song and thanking God for the blessing of being able to do so.
Here I stand, still naked and confused about my future, but grateful still for my past.
Peace!