It occurred to me that I have been in the wilderness now, for more than a month. I began my journey on May 15th, 2021, as a consequence of disobedience to the laws and commandments. The frightening thing is, I had not even realized what I was doing until it was, painfully, too late.
The beginning of my journey was scary, but much more so, it was heartbreaking and lonely. Until, that is, I came to the realization that it was also peaceful. God was not only drawing me into his bosom — where I found comfort in the silence — but even more so, a strangely prominent feeling of clarity.
As I began to journey deeper, I not only understood my transgressions, but also my acquiescence of self-knowledge, self-doubt and even an understanding of others’ selfsame flaws and difficulties.
At first it was a struggle to achieve some semblance of escape from my confusion. My confusion, which I believe hindered my growth, stemmed from blaming others instead of examining myself. But I now see that God left me with those confusing thoughts to assist me in my wanderlust. Not that He wanted to confuse me, but more that he wanted to show me the right path forward. Once I was able to see both sides of the confusion (better stated as the story) I was also more aware that even in my brokenness, I wasn’t fully to blame. We all have brokenness. We all have irrational, selfish intentions brought about by the evil one, and it is up to us to seek out God’s wisdom and direction beforehand in order to persevere along this spiritual path.
Only now am I discovering that I sound like a child who is learning some of the many elementary truths about God, about sin and about life. But I also think it is important to express confidence in my convictions, along the way. Otherwise, what good is the growth?
Why the wilderness?
Please allow me to begin by giving you my personal favorite definition of the wilderness:
“The theological meaning of the wilderness theme ‘is unusually rich,’ with proposed themes ranging from positive divine discipline, to proof of God’s providential care, and the devotion, or lack thereof, returned to him by his chosen people. Cardinal Ratzinger once asserted that the only goal of the Exodus from Egypt is that of worshiping God according to God’s own specifications: Even the land is promised only so that the people would be free to worship, and the law represents an interior or spiritual land without which the physical land would hold no meaning.
“Another theologian points to the development of a relationship between God and his people, the key to which is the development of trust through communication that is facilitated by the solitude and isolation of the desert. The New Testament offers much support for the latter meaning, as the word used for “desert” can also refer to an abandoned or thinly populated area—one sought out by Jesus and disturbed by the tempter, for example—and the New Testament tends to interpret the Old Testament wilderness experiences as times of grace and closeness to God marked by disobedience. Indeed, the wilderness seems to have everything to do with relationship and, I would argue, that worship and the law have just as much to do with relationship and building trust. “ Juliana Weber
My backstory:
I began listening to the “Bible in a year” podcast, with Father Mike Schmitz, in April, or May, after someone sent me the link. I started on Day 128, which meant that I missed 127 days of the podcast. (He started Day #1 on January 1st). As we moved forward, I realized that I was not comfortable, nor was I willing to be trailing along in this very unusual retreat. So, I went back to the beginning and began listening from the start. I knew I would never catch up, and my heart was yearning for more. So, I started at the beginning and downloaded five episodes a day, and added the newly acquired episode to the mix. In essence, I was listening and hearing the Word for approximately an hour-to-two hours per day.
While listening to Exodus, Leviticus, Deuteronomy and other books, it became clear to me that we are all called into the wilderness at some point during our lives — some earlier than others, and some longer than others. I never realized before how many times I had been called, by God, into the wilderness. I know this now, but it is my first clear revelation of this phenomenon.