This wicked disease has had me down and out these past few days. Ugh, I could hardly lift a finger. I’ve been, for the better part of these days, in bed. The good news is, I’ve slept — a lot — I’ve rested and reflected — a lot. And, there, too, lies my consciousness of guilt.
One saving grace, is the fact that I’m a lector at my church on Mondays and Thursdays. So, even if I’m failing to find a decent footing on the ground (literally) I’m still getting out of bed and making my way to the ambo, to give God’s word to the people of His church. It’s what I do. I can’t help it. It’s part of me now. It has been for a relatively long time. It’s my favorite and first ministry. God called me to this ministry in 2008, and here I am, 13 years later, using the Apostolic Action within my soul to work for Him.
In all this, however, I’ve still got to pray, reflect and listen to God speak to me, in silence. Some days are more successful than others.
Yesterday was Monday. And, though I feel like a failure when it comes to contemplation, I know now, when I’m being moved by the Spirit. I was blessed yesterday, when (an hour and a half before Mass) I found myself in the Adoration Chapel, praying like a poor lost soul. I was recently taught (also through the power of the Holy Spirit) that tears are a form of consolation. Thank you, Father, for the tears. You graced me, even though I did not deserve to be graced.
While trying to meditate and contemplate in the Chapel, I found myself so distracted that I couldn’t pray. I happened to have the book, “Divine Intimacy” with me, and I pulled it out. Opening the book to page 239 (or #84), I read the title, The Divine Seed.
I couldn’t read in my head, so I began to read aloud.
Presence of God — O Lord, I am here before You. Grant that my heart may be the good ground, ready to receive your divine word. (And I began to weep).
- “Today Jesus, the divine Sower, comes to scatter the good seed in His vineyard, the Church. He wishes to prepare our souls for a new blossoming of grace and virtue.” The reading continues, but as I read, I could feel and hear the desperation in my own voice, knowing that something was about to be revealed in my heart.
I had always read the story of the Sower but never was able to see, in myself, which “ground” was I. But, in the second paragraph, these words stood out to me. “Then why does the seed not always bring forth the desired fruit? Because very often the ground which receives it does not have the requisite qualities.” I felt the truth in these words. Never had I ever had the requisite qualities. I was always way too lukewarm, way too disobedient, and way too self-disposed to have any of the requisite qualities.
The reading goes onto stake out the path of the Gospel Luke: 8, 4-15 which mentions the “…four categories of people who receive the seed of the divine word in different ways.” The hard ground. Yes, I’ve been there — the stony ground, the ground covered with thorns and the good ground.
In the paragraph about the stony ground, the text made it quite clear to me that I’ve been the stony ground — superficial souls with only a shallow layer of good earth. I continued to read aloud, while weeping, all the while, knowing this was me, and knowing how I’ve sinned throughout my life, while thinking how good am I.
The good earth, which was only a thin layer traversing the byways of my life, was always being “rapidly blown away, along with the good seed, by the winds of passion.” Oh, how I wish I could go back and correct this childish immaturity. Lord God, please forgive me of my transgressions, so I may someday come to know you better and align myself perfectly with your will. I ask this, in Jesus’ name. Amen.