January was a tough month. I had just come off a whole year of spiritual agony. And, I was “ready” for a new trial. So, in the “spirit of piety,” I asked God to give me a new trial. I put a stipulation on it this time. I asked that the trial not be a physical one, only a spiritual one. God heard my prayer and answered me thus:
Although I didn’t contract the Coronavirus, I did find myself temporarily down for a day with the flu. I know this because on Tuesday, February 18, 2020, I went to bed cold. I couldn’t get warm so I put on several quilts to warm up. I finally fell asleep, but I had a hard time breathing. I remember making the decision to go to the doctor the next day. I’m not sure what happened, but when I awoke the fever was gone. Congested though I was, I still could not breath, and my regular doctor was out of the office. So, a temporary nurse practitioner gave me oral steroids. It didn’t help. My cough was out-of-control.
Aside from the cough, I felt fine. That weekend was my Cursillo Weekend. For those of you who don’t know what it is, Cursillo is a drawing closer to Christ, in a way that challenges your piety, spiritual study and apostolic action. I cried throughout the weekend — I became an emotional wreck. One of my Cursillo sisters said it was because God was “drawing you deeper.” I remember thinking, how much deeper can I go?
At the end of the weekend, we all had to “witness” what the weekend meant to us. I shared how emotional I had been. That was on February 23, which happened to be my birthday. Earlier that day, I had lost most of my hearing. One of my Cursillo sisters said it was because I was, “congested.” She could hear it.
When I got home, I was scared for my hearing. So, I made an emergency appointment with my surgeon doctor. On Tuesday, February 25th, I received my first-ever steroid injection into my eardrum. Yes, it hurt. But, that wasn’t the worst part. Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, and I was looking forward to going to Mass. I never got to go though because I had a vertigo attack and was stupefied for many hours, unable to move.
The Stage Has Been Set
The good thing about the three injections I received over the next two weeks gave me a reprieve from my conjestion and coughing. I didn’t cough for two months. So, all during the lockdown and the world pandemic, I was symptom free. God was good to me.
The panic arising during this very strange time taught us all a lesson — that even in the silence and stillness of life, there are always thoughts to ponder and emotions to regulate.
About a month ago, my spiritual director — knowing that I was living in a relatively dark world — suggested that I may want to write about it, here on my blog. I couldn’t. Time was warped for me. Thoughts were scattered and inconsistent. My spiritual life was suffering immensely and I didn’t know what to do about it. The Holy Spirit was trying to lead me in the direction of home, but I was unable to follow. I knew I was encountering darkness, and I knew I was being tested. But, I couldn’t pick myself out of the muck. I knew the direction I was supposed to take, but I couldn’t grab onto the rope being thrown to me. I knew there were things I needed to let go of, but I couldn’t let go until the feelings that guided my thoughts were sorted out. I was trying to let go, but first I had to discover exactly what needed sifting.
I spent most of my “alone” time, trying to contemplate my raison d’etre. It never came.
Finally, FINALLY I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my spiritual director and the spiritual knots began to unravel. I actually carried the conversation over two sessions, and we’ll probably need more. It’s a beautiful thing when the Holy Spirit gives us the leeway to learn, to be who we truly are. It’s a beautiful thing that God allows us to live in our darkness and yet still loves us with all the power and might of perfection. I’m humbled to still believe.
God bless you.
Good night.