I wish I could remember the first time I caught sight of the cloud in my consciousness. The punishment for letting time pass by without acknowledging spiritual movement is forgetting dates and times and well, the obvious ability to string thoughts together clearly in a pattern of understanding. But that’s ok. At least I’m learning lessons of patience and willingness to love God as He wants to be loved.
The Cloud of Unknowing, with the Book of Privy Counsel.”
A New Translation by Carmen Acevedo Butcher
It was just before Covid, in 2019, when I first picked up the book, “The Cloud of Unknowing,” recommended by my, then, spiritual director in a class he was teaching on Centering Prayer. I wasn’t spiritually or intellectually ready for this book. But, I remember being enthused by the thought of a new-to-me form of prayer life. As I said before in some of my past blog entries, sometimes I see points of light as a form of God’s presence. While reading, it’s usually when He wants me to take note of something. I’ve developed the habit of marking the date and time along the margin when this happens, but it wasn’t until after I read half this book that I developed that habit. I can only say the Spirit made several acknowledgements while reading the first half of this book.
I can’t remember the exact first time I realized the Lord, God wanted me to know He would be my teacher, that He wanted me to read this book with ferver, and He wanted me to know it was important for my spiritual growth. I also can’t remember the date I put the book aside, but it was probably sometime during Covid, 2020 — 2022.
I never blogged about the time I was meditating one night when I was in prayer. With eyes closed, I was in darkness (yes, it was dark and I was in bed). From out of the darkness there appeared grayish clouds moving across my vision, which I presumed was the night sky. I remember thinking, “Oh, how beautiful.” And yet, all it appeared to be was just that — a darkness with greyish moving clouds across my vision. I never occurred to me that it was the cloud of unknowing. I should never say for sure that’s what it was, but it happened twice, at two separate times during two separate incidences.
Shortly thereafter, I put the book down for at least two solid years. I’m not sure why? Maybe because it was too much for me to comprehend. Maybe I just wasn’t ready for it. Maybe because there was too much going on in my life that I became confused and my thoughts, feelings and willpower were overcome with a confounded form of spiritual distance. It doesn’t matter why. I had read half the book.
On June 24, 2023, our Diocesan Cursillo movement sponsored a “Day of Reflection” in Jacksonville, Florida, which I attended. One of the speakers was our current Bishop, Eric Pohlmeyer. During his enlightening talk, he mentioned the book, and I made a mental note of it. So, I went home and picked up the book again and began to read where I left off. My eyes are so much more open to these ideas now that I’ve had to time process. I’m intrigued. The unknown author speaks about forgetting all our thoughts and desires while contemplating the Lord, God. He tripped me up a few times though. I didn’t comprehend how we can hide from God. My confessor explained thusly: “Instead of saying, ‘Here I am, Lord. Look at me,’” with arms outstretched, we should approach Him with all humility of body, mind and heart. This is much easier for me to understand now, after his explanation . However, the book is intense. I have many questions as I journey through the second half now. Maybe my confessor will be willing to answer some questions as time passes. I cannot know what is in his heart, so I’ll just put it out there, and let him be the judge.
Note: I’m setting this blog entry out here for those of you who haven’t heard of the book and sincerely want to advance in the spiritual life. Please govern yourselves accordingly. God Bless You.