In the crevices of the mind, in every man and woman, there lies a dark place closed to most of the world. This is common knowledge. It happens over time with experience, discernment and contemplation. I believe God doesn’t want us to be open with everyone. He wants our total commitment to Him. He knows who we are and that is what matters. Thank you, Lord God, for giving me the wherewithal to keep my blog relatively unknown. I cannot share my deepest thoughts otherwise.
Only about four people know me and one has been relegated to the background. I see one of them a couple times a week and we may talk for a few seconds, or minutes, or maybe an hour per month, if I approach him. He is my spiritual director who has mixed emotions about me. His opinion is guarded because he knows more than I know about myself. He has been the recipient of others’ opinions about me. I’m ambivilant about that. The other person talks to me about once a year. She does not have access to the people with whom I come in daily contact because she lives in Louisiana. She only hears my side of the story. She is not Catholic, so her opinion differs from someone who is Catholic. That is the backstory.
This is the front story:
The pope has asked the people of the world to give him their opinions. He wants to see how his church is living up to the Church’s Creed. The pope has called for a worldwide listening session. Every Catholic church is being asked to participate in what the pope is calling a “Synod on Synodality,” and my pastor is enthusiastically preparing for our church to participate, on Thursday. The pope wants us to tell him how well he and his brethren are listening to the people on the ground. And, my spiritual director, who is also my pastor, wants everyone in his church community to come to the event. About a month ago, my pastor asked if I will be there, on February 3, and I said, “I’m not going to that.” He said, “OK.”
Since then, the pastor has been announcing the Synod at all Masses in our church. He has been describing it, and inviting us, and saying he wants us all to be there. He has added snacks and refreshments and social hour beforehand to draw people in. He really wants this to succeed.
The trouble with me:
On November 22, 2021, my pastor, acting also as my spiritual advisor and a support person, attended a tribunal meeting with me and three other church Fathers. I gave a 20-minute statement begging for help and forgiveness, to which I was chastised and berated. The Father, who I was trying to reconcile with, was unwilling and unprepared. He changed his story right from the start and no one even blinked an eye. They did, however, place serious restrictions on me because he asked for them. The results of that meeting were written up and sent to the highest church Father in our Diocese, the bishop, who acknowledged, accepted and concurred with the other church Fathers.
My dilemma:
The Church often alludes to people who live on the peripheries. There are millions who do and I am one of those people. There is even a massive number of churches that will not participate in the synod. So, I ask, how do I, in good conscience, attend a Synodal gathering, knowing my voice will never be heard? If I were to go, how would I even voice my opinion in a community that knows nothing about this meeting with these church Fathers, who did not listen to me? Do I go and not add my voice? What would be the purpose of that? How do I break free from the shame these church Fathers have placed on me? My inner voice tells me I will never break free. I’ll note here — the bishop will also be attending the meeting on February 3rd. There are so many variables and these are the voices screaming at me from the depths of my soul. I trust my pastor has at least some idea about how I feel, think and am trying to decide whether to go to this upcoming event. Yet, he has not voiced his opinion nor given me any feedback. And, I ask for it now?
Please, Lord God, hear my prayer. Amen!