“When has God delighted in you?” This is the question my spiritual director (I’ll call him Father Michael, after my guardian angel) challenged me with, during our session on Thursday, March 26th. My, how time changes everything! The question — “When has God delighted in you?”— caught me off guard. As you know, the coronavirus has changed the world. The phone was our only means of communication because, in my county, there is a stay-at-home order.
“For you to read?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. I couldn’t see his face. The only opportunity I had to read his emotions was to listen, albeit softly. (I say “softly” because I have lost most of my hearing since we met last month).
The question about when God has delighted in me was a strange one. It was hard for me to grasp, while also trying to come to grips with the loss of my ability to hear; while also trying to adapt to the new reality of Covid19 and the possibility of catching it; while also processing the rest of our conversation, which took on a whole new meaning. (I may say more about this someday). One thing is sure. He was convinced there were times God delighted in me. Perhaps, even now? Given that my “homework” was to write a spiritual essay, and in light of other events taking place around me, I ended up with a “thought” headache.
First, I had to work through some past emotional baggage — AGAIN. I hate dealing with the past. It rocks my soul and puts me at a spiritual disadvantage. But, maybe he saw it, and wanted me to revisit those negative thoughts. Who knows? Maybe he’ll share it with me one day.
Ironically, I have a little booklet that I read almost daily. It’s called “Living Faith.” Maybe he has it too. But, later that evening, I read the passage of the day. The title?
The Highest Form of Praise…
The last paragraph states, “But we are called to more. We are asked to seek and hear the further, higher call — a word of praise that comes from the mouth of the Father and shouts to the world. ‘This one is perfect and blessed. This one I know by name. This one makes me happy. This one is mine.'” Talk about coincidences…
My first thought/memory was an exterior vision I had when I was 17 years old. I don’t think I ever shared this one on my old blog. I’ve shared this spiritual experience with very few, and only really in the last 10 years. This is what happened: I threw out a fleece. http://www.brandonweb.com/sermons/sermonpages/judges3.htm
I said, “God, if you’re real, you need to prove it to me.” As soon as I thought that thought, I heard a still small voice, telling me to go into the living room and sleep on the couch (I shared a bedroom with my sister). So, I took my blanket and pillow and off I went. Then, I heard the voice again: “Are you willing to die to yourself?” I said yes. And, immediately, I saw a little white tornado spinning from across the room and zip into my body. I know it was the Holy Spirit. (I know it sounds weird, but I cannot tell it any other way). And, immediately I felt at peace. I believe God delighted in me at that time. It only lasted for a little while though because eventually I backslid, for many, many years.
The second time God “delighted” in me was on Divine Mercy Sunday, in 2018. I was at church, during the three o’clock hour, listening to the Divine Mercy Chaplet being sung, which was the first time I’d ever heard it. And I wept. I had a spiritual conversion that day. I think I’ve already written about this one at smarieack.livejournal.com.
It’s possible God delighted in me for much of the time thereafter until May 20, 2019, when I left that church — and my prayer life took a gigantic tumble.
And, I must number with a huge #3 — in this essay — the blog entry below this one, called “The Jesus Song.” God must have delighted in me when I was reading “The Way of a Pilgram,” and seeing my heart pounding in my chest. What an awesome God, we have!
My conversation with Jane…
A day, or two, after my phone conference with Father Michael, I had a phone conversation with my friend, Jane (name changed for protection). She is one of my closest confidants. We talked about some aspects of the conference, and I mentioned my dilemma over this requested essay. We both have a book called “Divine Intimacy,” so, Jane is in touch with some of how I practice my faith. I’ve been studying detachment on a spiritual level for over a year. I shared with her how Father Michael said that detachment is like “doing the will of God at every moment,” and how I thought that seemed impossible. She said, “Well, let me ask you this. Do you think you’re doing the will of God by talking to me now?” I said yes. And that made sense to me. In essence, Jane was trying to tell me that God delights in me whenever I do the will of God, and that could be more often than ever I’m even aware.
She also shared with me what she thought Father Michael might mean by his definition of detachment, while also clarifying that she was not of the same mind. Jane said, “Maybe he means doing the will of God to the extent of detaching from everything in this world and only living for God. I don’t detach,” she said. “I live in this world, and I love living in this world and doing the will of God. So, there’s the difference.”
That made a lot of sense to me. But, the fact that I’m really trying to follow the direction given me by Father Michael, I seem to be reaching for more. Maybe God delights in me for that. Obviously, God is stretching my spiritual boundaries for a reason. Maybe God delights in me more than I realize, more than I know, more than I can put my finger on. Maybe I need to pay more attention, much more attention to reaching that one great Master in the sky — and Divine Intimacy.
Peace!
Added 16 hours later: I have been trying a new way of meditation recently. I close my eyes and pray the mantra, “Maranatha,” which, in Aramaic, means “Come Lord. Come Lord Jesus.” I’ve only done it twice. Each experience was different. Yesterday, when I tried it the first time, I received promptings from the Holy Spirit, showing me his presence within me.
Today, when I did it again, I heard the still small voice of God, saying, “Susan, I love this.” (God calls me Susan, lol, I know not why). I believe He was telling me He was delighting in me. Wow! So many graces and gifts from the Lord. I praise you, O God, and I thank you with all my heart.